dearest Elias-
You entered the world 12 days ago. You changed my life forever and for good 12 days ago. You may wonder about the delay of posting your birth story on the blog. I have dragged my feet a bit, not knowing exactly how to put it in words. Giving birth is one of the most spiritual- yet carnal and incredible experiences I've yet had. It is one of the few ways we can experience creation, like God. So when I try to write it in words, it seems to lose some of it's worth in the translation. I cannot seem to articulate every emotion, every ounce of the Holy Spirit or every detail. It is a daunting task, but I want to badly for you to have a record of your journey from womb to world.
My doctor was a little discouraged the last few weeks about my "lack of progress". I kept telling her that I was dilated to a 0 the day before Norah was born etc... but she seemed to think I should be farther along and that we would need to induce. I hadn't had braxton hicks, any sort of contraction and I was only dilated to a 1-2. Well on early Tuesday morning I was feeling A LOT of pressure during my sleep. I thought maybe you were descending more and causing some discomfort. I was however, having contractions. They felt very different than Norah's contractions, so I was caught off guard. At about 6:50 am I decided to start timing them. They were 8 minutes apart. I told your daddy to go to work and that I would call him when they were 6 minutes apart, after all, I had many hours of contractions with Norah at 8 minutes apart. He jumped into the shower to get ready for work. By the time he got out, the contractions were 6 minutes apart and much more intense. He called his boss and received permission to work at home until we went to the hospital. I then asked him for a
priesthood blessing. The contractions were so much stronger this time and I thought for a moment, "I can't do this." I think that is the most terrifying thought to have before something that you absolutely HAVE to do. There was no turning back, you were going to come out, whether I "could do it" or not. He gave me a blessing and blessed me with strength and a knowledge that I could do it. I felt power and perspective return, almost immediately. He started putting the bags in the car and getting Norah dressed. Meanwhile, I lied on the bed trying my hardest to use the self-hypnosis techniques I'd learned through "Hypnobabies." I knew I didn't want to have a natural birth, but the techniques of Hypnobabies had been very helpful with Norah's birth and anytime I was feeling discomfort/pain. It was really hard for me to concentrate and breathe through these contractions. I actually became really scared. In my head, I was envisioning enduring this all day (since Norah had taken so long) and I already lacked strength to get through the contractions. I knew I needed to eat, as I hadn't eaten in 12-14 hours and the nurses wouldn't allow me to eat, once we got to the hospital. I went downstairs. With movement, my contractions would speed up to every 3 minutes. I called the Dr. to ask what the discrepancy between my contractions meant, when moving vs. lying down. She said to keep moving and come in when they were consistently 5 minutes apart. Downstairs I sat on the couch, as I felt it impossible to keep moving. Daddy brought me in some peanut butter bread and milk. I took one bite and knew I couldn't eat anymore. Your daddy was in the other room making crepes for Norah and I was timing my contractions in the living room. The following four contractions were 5, 4, 3 1/2 and then 3 minutes apart. I told Daddy when Norah was finished with her crepe we needed to go drop her off at the Beus' house (friends from our church.) Norah eats crepes almost everyday. They are her favorite food in the world. She only ever eats one, but not today. Today she wanted two. Ahhh! The irony! Daddy said we needed to go and that she could have a snack instead.
We got in the car and started the 10 minute drive (away from the hospital) to the Beus'. Every bump, every turn and every light was like a huge mountain I had to forge. I prayed for green lights, as snow drifted down and break lights flashed.
When we drove up to the Beus', we explained to Norah where we were going and what she'd be doing. She said, "Mommy and Daddy come back soon?" I started weeping. It is not easy to cry when you are having contractions, but I couldn't hold the tears back. The only hard thing about deciding to have another child has been the pain I felt, knowing that Norah's life would have to change- forever. She has been so spoiled with alone time with us. She is our little darling and has made our life AMAZING. She knows it too. Suddenly, there would be another little being; taking Mommy's time, emotion and attention. I've felt so sentimental about the impending transition and very wary of it. So when she said, "Mommy and Daddy come back soon?" and I couldn't tell her when or how long she'd be w/o us, I lost it. I told her I love her and we'd see her as soon as we could. We then started on the 20 minute drive to the hospital (due to the weather.) The contractions were SO intense. I kept reciting Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me." At a stoplight I told daddy, "Please tell them I want the epidural immediately." The contractions at this point were about 2 1/2 minutes apart. I felt extreme pressure, I believe from the sac, which had not broken. We arrived at the hospital at 10:41 am and they wheeled me upstairs. They put me in a bed to check my dilation and see if I was ready to go to the delivery room. I was at a 5 and the contractions were 2- 2 1/2 minutes apart and 1 1/2 minutes long, meaning I had close to no time to rest, in between. During every contraction, I felt like my sac was going to explode. They took me to the delivery room, into which 5-6 nurses entered. Why were there so many nurses? We still don't know. Everything was very chaotic. One nurse tried to insert the IV twice in one hand, unsuccessfully. The second nurse tried twice on the other hand, unsuccessfully. The third nurse tried in my arm, unsuccessfully. Instead they just took the labs necessary to find out if I could have an epidural. I guess they need to know if you are anemic or have any other issues that would eliminate the possibility of an epidural. By this time, I was begging for an epidural. I went from a 5 to a 9 in the matter of minutes. Since they couldn't get the IV in, they couldn't give me an epidural. They said the anesthesiologist would have to put the IV in, review my labs and then give me the epidural. At this point the contractions were beyond extreme pressure and pain. Yup Hypnobabies lady, I said it. My "pressure waves" were
painful. At that moment I believed Hypnobabies was a bunch of nonsense. The nurses said they could give me a shot of pain-reliever to dull the pain. I couldn't have responded quicker: "Absolutely!" To illustrate the chaos in my room, I will relay the following: One nurse came in and gave me the shot. She said, "This is going to feel like a bee sting, 1,2,3." Bee Sting? Really? Do you think I would even register a bee sting right now? You could club me on the side of the head, and I would register it as a small bonk. I waited for some kind of dulling of pain. I felt nothing. Then another nurse came in with a needle. The nurse who administered the first shot said, "No, I already gave that to her." What?! She was about to give me even more drugs! The first shot did nothing for the pain, but it sure made me calm in-between contractions. The nurse said to your daddy, "She doesn't take medicine often, does she?" I find it funny that they talk about you, as if you are incapacitated and can't hear. Yes, I am a bit drugged, but I can still hear you! The anesthesiologist came in. He inserted the IV, as if it were easiest thing in the world, and I didn't feel a thing. He then proceeded to get ready to give me the epidural, even w/o my lab results. The nurse challenged him, but I think seeing how miserable I was, he decided to proceed anyway. "Are you anemic? Do you have any health problems?" Brian answered and assured him that I was healthy. I sat up and they gave me the epidural. He was the best anesthesiologist EVER! I felt the first numbing shot, but nothing else. What a stud. The nurse said I should feel 2-3 more contractions before the epidural kicked in. After 3, I told her I still was feeling everything (this was about 11:40 am- one hour after arrival.) She told the anesthesiologist, who said he only gave me 1/2 the dose because he was told I was at a 5, when I was really at a 10. He proceeded to give me the other 1/2 (thank you, kind sir). The Dr. came in and I told her I was feeling an immense amount of pressure- like I wanted to push. My water STILL had not broken, so she broke it and I started to push at 11:51 am. Unlike my experience with Norah, I could feel so much! I could feel where to push and I could feel you coming out (the good and the bad). It was incredible. I wanted you out so bad. I was shaking and out of energy, particularly because it'd been so long since I'd eaten. The Dr. said I could rest and skip a contraction, but I couldn't. I wanted to push and I wanted to have you in my arms. After 16 minutes of pushing (1 hr. 26 minutes after arrival at the hospital), you were there. All of the sudden you were right in front of me. You literally took my breath away, I couldn't believe you were here. You were BEAUTIFUL! So so small, gray and crying- one of the most beautiful sights I've ever seen. I put you on my chest and started singing to you. You cried for a couple minutes and then settled down. I nursed you. Daddy and I breathed in every moment. I felt what I imagine Heaven will feel like: peace, only happiness and calmness. After holding you for 45 + minutes, they took you and bathed and dressed you. Then Daddy and I held you for another many minutes. They didn't rush us from the room, rather waited until we were ready to go. It was a such a beautifully sacred time. In the months prior to your birth, I got to know your movement patterns, your frequent hiccups etc. But in that 1 1/2 hours in the delivery room, I started the process of getting to know your spirit, your tiny features and every detail of your body. You. are. a. miracle. I thank God for letting me have you.
Elias, I have to tell you about the three angels in my life the last 10 days.
#1) Your Oma. She has been here since the day after you were born and has been cleaning, watching Norah and changing your diapers the entire time. More than all that however, she has been lending a listening ear, telling me to slow-down and encouraging me in all aspects of our ever-changing life. She is amazing. I love her so much and am amazed by her endless energy and kind, giving spirit.
#2) Norah, your big sister. She is so excited you are here, but it has changed her world. She has had 2 years of A LOT of personal attention and all of the sudden, she has to share her mommy and daddy. She is trying so hard to accept it and is doing so well.
#3) Your daddy. He is a saint. He was my guardian and advocate at the hospital. From asking why I had to sign papers, with a shaking hand and mid-contraction, to telling the nurse to stop talking to me/touching me during my contractions, to asking them why they were not communicating about the drugs they were giving- he was there every step. When they asked him if he wanted to hold my hand and stand at the top of the hospital bed, while I pushed, he said, "No". He wanted to be there, holding my left leg, helping me push and assuring me I could do it. That was his place during Norah's birth and yours, and his place for all future births. His words motivated me and buoyed me up. I feel a love for your Daddy, that I never knew I was capable of feeling. I would do anything for his happiness and safety. He is my best friend and my partner in life. I trust him completely. I love him for loving you and Norah so selflessly and fully. His greatest joy comes, when he is with his family. That is one of the greatest blessings in my life. You are blessed to have him as your Daddy.
My dear Elias- you are here. I am so grateful. I get lost in your sweet smiles and sleepy giggles. I love looking into your deep, dark eyes and touching your velvet skin. I can't stop kissing you and cuddling you. We are blessed to have you, with your amazingly calm and peaceful demeanor. Our life adventure together has just begun. I love you.
xo-
mommy
