Realizations and Affirmations

Dear Norah and Elias-
  Last night we had dinner with some good friends.  They are the type of friends who are fun, entertaining and good company, laced with a great amount of depth and wisdom.  They are friends you hope to keep forever, because when you talk to them, you feel like a better person.  As we spoke I had so many realizations and affirmations and I wanted to share a couple. 
1) I have a lot to learn and a lot of growing and discovering to do as a mother.  I'll be honest sweet kids, I don't know what I am doing.  I feel like I am constantly experimenting, while hoping and praying that I am doing the right things. 
2) I am so grateful that although I am clueless as a mother, I have God.  The revelation that I can and do receive from from Him will make up for my glaring weaknesses.  I appreciate that through His example as a parent and His teachings through Jesus Christ, prophets and apostles, I am not alone on this trail of motherhood.  I have experienced, wise leaders and GODS who can guide me.  What an incredible gift.
3) I love you two.  You and your Daddy are my joy.  I wake up daily for you, to be with you.  You all make me laugh and thank God for the goodness in my life.
4) Life is good and rich.  There are many unknowns in our country right now and I am often hit by waves of fear, for our future.  As I spoke with our friends, they reminded me how rich and good life is- even with it's ups and downs and potential pains.  After all, it is in future unrest and future trials, that my faith in God and Christ will be tested and will be my balm of Gilead. 

  Elias and Norah- I love you.  Life is rich, God is real and I am learning.  Those are the lessons learned and affirmed, in a fabulous 5 hours at PF Changs, with beautiful friends. 

3 years little

This post is late- but better late than never.  So they say. 

dearest Norah- On Wednesday, September 5th, you turned three years old. As I type that, I can hardly believe it. I still remember sitting on the grass of a gas station across the street from the dollar theaters in Sugarhouse, on the day I went into labor with you. I was eating oreos and chatting with my mom, dad and Brian. We were seeing a double header movie, to keep me distracted from the contractions (my Daddy's idea.) We were in between shows (had just seen my sister's keeper and about to head to Star Trek.) The contractions were intense and frequent. They were increasing in intensity and I wondered if I was going to have you that day. It was Friday, September 4th. I labored that night in the hospital and had you the next morning, a little after 10. Now, you are three. I watched you squeal with glee, as you saw your pink cupcakes and Dora balloon. You were running around, talking a million words a minute, and very much so enjoyed your birthday party. You asked for ice cream with your cupcake and I reveled in the fact that you are your daddy's daughter in that respect (I don't care for ice cream.) You were an adventurer as you and your little friends searched for your party favors in a Dora the Explorer like scavenger fashion. Daddy made the map for you and your friends and you found the prizes with excitement. As you opened your presents, I was thrilled to see you are finally at the age to understand and excite in presents.

We went to the Dr. and you are 35" and 26 lbs.- a perfect little bean-bug. That's why I titled this post "3 years little". You are pint-sized but oozing with personality. You have just begun contradicting much of what I say. You'll ask me a question, i.e. "Mom, is this a parrot?" When I answer yes, you say, "No it's not. It is scarlet macaw." So why did you ask me, you little stinker! Or I'll say yes to something and you say, "No." We could go back and forth between yes and no for hours, and you wouldn't back down. Uh oh. We have quite the future ahead of us. I am amazed by your agility and strength. Although you are tiny, you manage to climb huge jungle gyms, climbing walls, dressers and the list goes on. It is amazing to me. I see it as a parallel to your personality. There is nothing you are not willing to try and conquer. You still don't like to eat much. It is a fight, every dinner, to try to get you to eat. Just a couple weeks ago (around your birthday) you gave up your binkis and became completely potty trained. You potty-trained yourself a few months ago, but had two poopy accidents and decided you wanted to wear diapers again (that is what you told me.) So we did diapers up until a month ago, when you decided you were ready for underwear again. You do a great job. You are still in pull-ups at night because I, truthfully am not ready to attempt the night thing. Since you got rid of your binkis, you have had a real struggle to try to go to sleep at night and during your nap. After three years of self-soothing with the binki, you are having to relearn completely how to self-soothe. It has been a real challenge for us. You climb out of your big-girl bed several times a night, until you finally settle down after a couple of hours. We have tried many strategies to keep you in bed. We have offered rewards, we have threatened to take things away or put you back in a crib. We have had talks about it, tried Dr. Weissbluth's idea of picking you up calmly, silently and unemotionally and putting you back in bed, as many times as it takes. Nothing has worked. Currently we are trying our last-ditch effort. You want to sleep with the door open, which we allow, unless you get out of bed. If you do, the consequence is a closed and locked door. I'm really praying and hoping this will work. You are a doting and adoring older sister. You love to make your brother laugh and smile. After every nap you come with me in his room, climb up his crib and talk to him. He always greets you with an enormous smile. It is darling.

Here are a few favorite Norahisms from the last year:
-Instead of saying "we both" you say: "we all both". For example: "We all both have suckers!"
-When walking into an empty play place at the mall you said: "There is no other bodies."
-"They're too way up high."
-I was lying with you in bed one evening cuddling. You turned to me and said, "Mommy, you're a good mom. Sweeter words do not exist- with the exception of "I love you." You then stroked my hair, put your hand on my cheek and we just lied there.
-When talking into either side of a tube that runs underground at the playground, I was singing to you at one end, while you listened at the other. I walked away from the tube, where you could see me and said, "Hey Norah, it's time to go. You replied: "I can't go yet, I'm talking to my other mommy in the microphone."
-In the car, Elias was fussing. You said,"It's OK Buddy, we're almost home and then you can go to bed!"
-One of my favorite conversations this year:

You: You're my friend. 

Me: Thanks! You're my friend too! 

You: I love you! 

Me: I love you too! 

You: I make you happy. 

Me: Yes, you do (as I kiss you.) 

You, without pause: I want a cupcake. 

-One evening, while in SLC without Daddy, I asked you if you were excited to fly home and sleep in your big girl bed.  You said, "I can't wait to go home and see my Daddy.  I miss him so much.  I can't wait to give him kisses and big loves because I love him."  No joke, that was a direct quote.

Funeral thoughts and then some

My mom is republishing my Dad's book, "Daddy come out and play." She is including our funeral remarks and a few more thoughts. It was very cathartic to write them down. The emotion the catharsis ended on was joy mixed with immense appreciation. Here are the thoughts: In moment of question, fear or doubt in my life, I’ve turned to my parents, knowing that they know who our almighty source is, and that they could give me something of worth, something that would lead me to Jesus Christ. My Dad wouldn’t always give me his immediate counsel, rather he would invite me to turn to the Lord and he would teach me principles that caused me to do so. With his physical departure from this life, as we are now feeling a little bit of pain, due to the void we have in our lives now, I want to share with you, what the spirit has spoken to me. This is what I’ve received as I have knelt for peace; peace which I has been given me. My father, who alone, could have kept the white index-card industry in business, left one on his desk. It was a thought that I believe the Holy Ghost whispered to him near the end of his life. On that card it said, “May you always have a hearing heart and see the unseen. Love, Dad.” In Hebrews 11:27 the source of this thought is found. And that is speaking of Moses and says, “By faith, he forsook Egypt. Not fearing the wrath of the King for he endured, as seeing him, who is invisible.” We don’t see our Heavenly Father, we don’t see Jesus Christ, I no longer see my father, but I know that they are alive and I know that they can still touch us through the Holy Spirit. I felt this immediately after his death and have throughout the greater part of my life. My dad would sometimes say, “We all need a faith lift to lift our face.” He would then speak of what he called “The Faith Formula.” It is something that we can apply temporally and spiritually. He pulls this formula from the scriptures; from the Bible and also from the Book of Mormon. The 4 principles are: 1) See it, see what you want to obtain. 2) Say it. 3) Do it. 4) Leave the rest to the Lord. Daddy was a master of the faith formula. He always had a clear vision of what he wanted to obtain in his life; in regards to his family, career, his testimony and personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He shared his plans and wrote them down. He attempted his plans. Most times he was successful. Sometimes he was not. His failures did not stop his efforts. After he had done all he could, he would leave the rest to the Lord. He did not assume or claim that his successes were his own. He credited God and Christ in all. My father still lives in spirit. This is made possible through our Savior Jesus Christ, who I know was resurrected and who I know loves us all dearly. Dear Dad I will continue to look for you in the mountains, in music, and through the Holy Ghost. I will find you in your music, writing and in my memory and dreams. I close my eyes and I can picture me feigning sleep on the basement floor, so you would pick me up and lovingly take me up to my bed. I sing “Hi Ho” or “The Passing Policeman” to Norah and Elias, and I hear your voice in my ears, and smell the interior of the old van and my first Big Mac. When I reach back and grab my child’s knee in the car, I remember your always-soft hand on my knee. That pat was always a silent reassurance that you love me and that I’m special to you. When I push my children on the swing and Norah asks me to push her up to the sky, I hear me asking you the same thing. I feel butterflies in my stomach and your strong hands pushing me up to the sky. You always believed I could reach the stars and I continue to try for you. I think of you when I look at the moon, because after you died, 14 month-old Norah named it “Opa’s moon.” I continue to feel you when she talks about you. She hasn’t seen you for over two years, yet she speaks of you more than anyone. We’ve sent many balloons up to you in Heaven Daddy, and we will continue to do so. Catch them and know that we love you. Know that we are laced with your fingerprints and you left us better than you found us. I love you.

Daddy

It's been two years. Yesterday, two years ago, your spirit left your body. Even as I write this, I struggled for those words. I didn't want to say you died- you are still very much alive, in all of your posterity and others whom you touched. I couldn't say you left this world, because you didn't. The Spirit World is among us, here on earth. It also insinuates you chose to go, and I don't think you did. Saying, "your spirit left your body" seemed most accurate and didn't twinge my heart. Brian and I released a balloon for you, as we will every October 15th. My emotions in relation to your physical absence vary weekly, sometimes daily. This week the depth of your absence has at times been breathtaking and particularly painful. Daddy, I miss looking into your warm eyes that mirror your deep soul. I often, want to call you and ask for your insight. I would love to answer your questions of how I've connected to God lately, what have I learned politically recently or what I'm doing that makes me happy. I'd be ecstatic to see a missed call from you with a sing-song message, that I'd re-listen to. Instead I will close my eyes and search for your face in my memories. I will imagine a great hug and will read your words. I love you daddy, today more than yesterday. Keep on keeping on, as will I. Until me meet again- hopefully tonight in my dreams. xo, Em

My two yummies

Dear Norah and Elias-I've been thinking for weeks, how I'd approach this blog post. I haven't posted for months and the reasons are numerous. I have a partially written blog post with the details, but it made me feel too transparent and for the moment, I'm not there yet. Instead, I will write because it is the doorway to more opportunities to emote. If I continue to avoid your blog, more months will pass, without me allowing others to peek into the growth you two are making. I went to California for a week with you Elias, and when we got back, I was floored by your growth Norah. I felt like you grew in every aspect. You looked taller and a little chubbier- a sign that a growth spurt is around the corner. You were even more articulate than before; using new words and sentences. I walked in at 10:30pm and you were still awake, which is very rare. I was ecstatic. I ran upstairs, threw open your door and there you were: with your perfect, wide, open-mouthed smile. I grabbed you out of your crib, sat down on the ground and rocked you. You said, "Mama! My mama's home!" Perfect words. I was so glad to be home with you and so glad to be your mama. You are so small Norah, but your heart is enormous and has taught me how better to love and cherish. You have opened my eyes to simple joys and beauties. I see every puddle and every leaf now. I too, can make a toy out of anything now. I'm grateful that you are my Norah. Your imagination is taking off. You insist on your imaginary items every night, in your crib. So we go through the list, every night and give you: your vitamins, gummy bears, phone, reeses egg, vanilla milk, almond milk, chocolate milk, normal milk, orange juice, your purple backpack, crepes, cheese and pbj. Then we turn down your sound machine "a yitto bit" and leave the door open "a yitto bit" and "turn fan on". Then you end the routine, begging for "one more hug and a kiss!" It's a crazy routine, we admit it, but it is your routine and so we do it. The other day, we were outside in your little pool. I put on your swimsuit w/o a swim diaper. As you were standing by the pool you said, "I did NOT just go peeps". I responded, "You didn't go peeps?" "Nope, I did NOT just go peeps." I looked over and saw peeps running down your legs and said, "It's OK if you went peeps. Are you sure you didn't go peeps?" You responded, "OK, I went peeps." I laughed out loud. I don't know if I could love you more than I do. Sweet Elias- I don't even know where to begin, in describing your sweet personality. I am astounded at your patience and consistent, calm demeanor. Your temperament is so even. You always greet me with a smile and loving eyes. As I look into your eyes, I feel you trying to tell me that you trust me and you love me. It is a beautifully unique experience. You sleep amazingly well during the day and are getting better at night sleeping. You slept last night for the first time, unswaddled. You cried for 21 minutes and then fell asleep for 6 hours. You awoke, fed and fell asleep again. You are incredible. Today you sat on the couch and watched Norah "read" a book to you. I can tell you already adore her. You watch her every move and meet her eyes with a smile. When I hold you, you put your cheek against my head and hold on to my shoulder. You appreciate closeness, and it is a dream for me. In your baby blessing, your daddy said, Norah and your other siblings will look to you as an example and for guidance. I see already, that you will be a quiet and calm strength to our family. I see goodness in every part of your body and heart. You are trying to be a thumb-sucker. We'll see if that continues. I have offered the binki, but when it comes to it, I think you will do what you prefer, and I'm OK with that. Thank you dear Elias for blessing our lives. I thank God that you are here. Dearest Norah and Elias, thank you for your patience, in my weaknesses. Thank you for loving me so unconditionally. You two are heaven sent. xo,Mommy

This is a pic of me holding you, right when I got home from Cali. It is not great quality, but I love how happy we are.

Your first touch of sand, in Santa Monica.

confessions

-I've fallen in love- again. My newest love is a little mini, with a tiny dimple and a huge smile. Yes, that is love number 3 of my life.
-I didn't know my heart could hold so much love.
-I don't know which is better: 2 year old hugs or 2 month old hugs.
-I could hold both of my littles all day, if they'd let me (and Bri too. I just need another arm.)
-Your hands Elias, are beautifully different than Norah's and I find myself staring at them. Hers are so dainty and feminine and yours are wide and thick. I LOVE them.
-Norah, your hugs are more meaningful than ever. I know they come out of sheer sincerity and need to receive love. I know my time is divided, but I love you more than I ever have.
-One of my most recent, greatest joys, is watching you, Norah, take care of Elias. I love when you bring him his binki or say, "Oh it's OK buddy. I'm here." I love it.

love,
mommy

Baby smiles

Elias-
You smiled at Daddy last night and it was very clear that it was a real smile. I melted. You smiled at me, just now, and I melted again. Your smiles are so sweet and genuine. They are like little "thank yous" for feeding, changing and loving you. You're welcome, I say to your sweet smile. There is literally nothing I'd rather be doing. I love you Elias!
Love,
Mommy